I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
