Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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