my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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