y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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