it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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