Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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