I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
