Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
