im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
