I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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