I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
