I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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