I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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