I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
