Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
