my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
