It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize