Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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