Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
