I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
