Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
