the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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