Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize