i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
