Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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