I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
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