i permit you to call me
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
