he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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