My nipple is on Facebook.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
