i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
