I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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