You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
