that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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