just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
