i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
