ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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