i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
