the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
