omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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