Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
