i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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