Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
