Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize