I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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