I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
