from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
