I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Everyone says I win the strip club
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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