I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
