Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize