Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize