Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
