I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
