weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
