I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
