woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
