You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
