I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
