Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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