is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
