you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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