Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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