I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
