This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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