sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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