Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
