You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
