marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
